Monday Fungos: Cubs 25-Man Bereavement List

The Chicago Cubs’ brutal weekend in Cincinnati left a lot of time for reflection. For instance, I never understood Cincy’s Queen City nickname. For marketing purposes, it’d be far better to go with “The Original Cin City.” Just ask Pete Rose.

And while the Cubs did their best to alleviate the plague of tanking, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred remains fixated on expansion and another realignment. So here’s a two-birds-one-stone idea: Put the worst teams in the same division. Then enjoy watching Derek Jeter narrowly miss the No. 1 overall draft pick and get blown out in the Wild Card game.

In other weekly fungo news:

1. Limping out of Cincinnati, Mike Montgomery spoke for the whole team saying, “We now know how it felt when Yadier Molina ruptured his nut sack.”
2. The Midlothian Little League Traveling All-Stars had a similar weekend. They too lost in embarrassing fashion to a team led by a player named Scooter.
3. Not to play Monday morning quarterback, but if only Brandon Morrow had installed a Bat Pole to get automatically dressed, no way he goes on the DL.
4. The Cubs raved about Yu Darvish’s latest simulated game. Though he lost in a 2-1 heart-breaker, everyone marveled at his composure as an audio tape of Willson Contreras berated him constantly.
5. “Go Cubs Go” is great, but some wins call for a more modulated victory song. For instance, after beating the Dodgers minus their best pitcher (Kershaw) and best position player (Seager), maybe something in a minor key and lighter tempo that hums, “We didn’t cover the spread, but that’s why sports gambling is so risky.”
6. Manager Joe Maddon wished Tyler Chatwood best of luck as the Chatwoods await their first child. “I just pray his wife’s delivery is less complicated than her husband’s.”
7. Jed Hoyer said Chris Gimenez’s horrendous relief debut Saturday was the final nail. The bullpen’s Iowa bullpen shuttle is officially grounded, and Steve Cishek will handle all relief innings until further notice.
8. Reversing plans for a Cubs-only cable network, Tom Ricketts will instead unleash his inner Disney and build a Cubs-themed park in Elk Grove Village. Planned attractions:
   – Uncle Joe’s Wild RV Ride
   – KB’s Launch Angle Rocket
   – The El Mago Rollercoaster
   – The Cishek Sidewinder
   – Whirling Darvish Tea Cups
   – A Build-a-War-Bear Workshop, and
   – For adults only, the after-hours Chatwood Walk of Shame.