Jon Lester Home Run May Portend the Apocalypse (Video)

Now I saw when the Lamb opened one of the seals; and I heard one of the four living creatures saying with a voice like thunder, “Come and see.” And I looked, and behold, a white horse. He who sat on it had a bow; and a crown was given to him, and he went out conquering and to conquer.

When He opened the second seal, I heard the second living creature saying, “Come and see.” Another horse, fiery red, went out. And it was granted to the one who sat on it to take peace from the earth, and that people should kill one another; and there was given to him a great sword.

When He opened the third seal, I heard the third living creature say, “Come and see.” So I looked, and behold, a black horse, and he who sat on it had a pair of scales in his hand. And I heard a voice in the midst of the four living creatures saying, “A quart of wheat for a denarius, and three quarts of barley for a denarius; and do not harm the oil and the wine.”

When He opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth living creature saying, “Come and see.” So I looked, and behold, a pale horse. And the name of him who sat on it was Death, and Hades followed with him. And power was given to them over a fourth of the earth, to kill with sword, with hunger, with death, and by the beasts of the earth.

When He opened the fifth seal, I saw under the altar the souls of those who had been slain for the word of God and for the testimony which they held. And they cried with a loud voice, saying, “How long, O Lord, holy and true, until You judge and avenge our blood on those who dwell on the earth?”

I looked when He opened the sixth seal, and behold, there was a great earthquake; and the sun became black as sackcloth of hair, and the moon became like blood. And the stars of heaven fell to the earth, as a fig tree drops its late figs when it is shaken by a mighty wind. Then the sky receded as a scroll when it is rolled up, and every mountain and island was moved out of its place.

Finally, I watched as He opened the seventh seal:

For a while, video evidence of the blast — which Jon Lester later claimed was his first since high school — was suspiciously unavailable, but reports of the shocking event began to circulated and was eventually forced to acknowledge its existence. I don’t know about you, but for me this is tantamount to the time Walter Peck had the ComEd guy shut down the Ghostbusters’ containment grid. That’s a big Twinkie.

Okay, so Lester’s home run might not bring about the end of days, but try telling that to Scott Oberg — the poor soul who gave up the hard-hit harbinger — and the Rockies. Not only did the big lefty’s unlikely dinger set off a chain of events that led to 7 Cubs runs in the 4th inning, but Lester racked up 10 strikeouts while allowing only one hit and one walk over 5 shutout innings.

The results of these games don’t mean a lick, but Lester has been looking really good in his second season in Chicago. If I were someone who put stock in the psychological of athletic performance, I’d probably say he feels more comfortable now. You can imagine how a guy might press a little in his first season under his first giant free agent contract, particularly when he’s handed the ball on Opening Day and fitted with a bespoke jersey tailored with a lead lining to ward off the various curses and evil spirits.

Freed from the weight of expectation by the emergence of various other stars around him, I’d imagine Lester feels more free to use his left arm to pitch rather than shoulder the load. Call me a homer, but I think we’re going to see some really great things from him this season.

Still, you might want to set your affairs in order just in case that homer really did signal apocalypse.

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