I Took a Peak at the Cubs’ New Year’s Resolutions for 2016

I hope this doesn’t put me in Dutch with the Cubs, but I kind of lifted something when I was up there visiting their offices. I thought it was pretty innocuous, that I was just grabbing a piece of paper with the official letterhead. Turns out I had actually gotten an early preview of the team’s New Year’s resolutions. Some were really prescient and have already come to pass, but a great many will require a bit more time to see through.

Keep Jorge Soler healthy

Sign Jason Heyward and John Lackey away from Cardinals

Avoid sophomore slumps

Win 95 games and the NL Central

Get Kyle Hendricks through the 5th inning with regularity

Sign Ben Zobrist

Keep John Lackey off the streets at night

Fix rat problems

Distance ourselves from Ronnie Woo Woo

Quit making resolutions that contradict one another

Improve contact rates

Find a way to turn stale urine into potable drinking water

Maintain/improve unparalleled social media presence

Lose 10 pounds

Stage coup to overthrow Alderman Tunney

Hire Evan Altman in an official capacity

Install anti-dude-bro detectors at bleacher entrance

Maintain more consistent lineup

Mend fences with Sammy Sosa

Have fun