SOC Watch: A Stream-of-Consciousness Account of Game 3 of the NLDS

I had so much fun with my last live account during the Wild Card game, I thought I’d do it again. I’ve got a little case of the bubbleguts, but I think that’s less about nerves and more about the Nacho Cheese Doritos Cheesy Gordita Crunch I ate last night. Either way.

Jake Arrieta on the mound is more effective than the pills they keep advertising, and he’s not wearing a football jersey. He abuses Piscotty and Holliday and I am quite pleased. I am also jealous of the people in attendance, but am glad to have the $750 it would have cost me to get in. I’m also glad to be heading to Hawaii in a couple days, so hooray for small victories.

My first impression of Wacha is that he’s all over the zone and unable to hit his spots, which I see as a very good sign. I feel good about Fowler’s drive until it’s caught, but Soler’s walk and Bryant’s single have me feeling like this could be a big opening inning. Rizzo lines one…right into Peralta’s glove to double off Soler. Poopies!

Heyward lofts one out into right and Schwarber looks like the tubby/old/unathletic dude in softball who thinks he’s tracking a ball until that “oh [redacted]!” look comes over his face. He almost broke the wall there and I think Heyward’s gonna dig for 3rd and PICK IT, KRIS!

I am struck by the realization that I’m not drinking Permanent Funeral as I did the last time I did this SOC thing and I’m in an immediate quandary. I do have 2 more PF bombers out there, but I can’t get up while the game’s going on. The smell of the pork loin sizzling in olive oil makes me hungry and I’m happy my wife is willing to cook so I can indulge in the game.

Who did this, Pham? Well, you did, Tommy. Two outs, let’s get a 3rd here and move along. Ah, Yadi the Body…way behind on the gas. He looks like he’s struggling a bit out there and I think it’s time to throw something wicked at him. And…whew. That was almost really gross. Castro looked almost as awkward fielding that as Molina did swinging at it. Both guys made my teenage social advances look downright debonair. Oh well, job done.

beverage sitch has been remedied, so you can exhale now

That’s a nice bender from Wacha to open the Castro AB. And now fart noises as Castro bounces out. Strains from teh hook from Thuggish Ruggish Bone reach my ears as my son says, “Oh, Schwarber,” and – dude, that curve

WAR BEAR!!!!!!!!!!!! Toldya the beer was key!

Wind is playing hell with the ball out there and I could do without hearing Enrique Iglesias, but whatevs. But even a strikeout can’t dull the afterglow of that oppo jack. Unfortunately, it can’t dull the burgeoning headache I have from yelling when the Schwarbeast made contact. Same thing happened last week, not sure that’s a good thing.

break to eat dinner, cajole children to put food in their mouths at regular intervals

Neato, it’s Harold Reynolds in a commercial.

TBS Exec 1: How can we make the NLDS coverage better?

TBS Exec 2: Harold Reynold?

TBS Exec 1: WTF, bro?

TBS Exec 2: I mean, we put him on a commercial or something and he makes the other guys look great.

TBS Exec 1: Bruh, great idea.

I continue to be amazed by the number of people searching online for the TV broadcast of the Cubs game and coming across my pre-season article on how to watch the games that are blacked out for folks beyond Chicago. It’s become our most-viewed post of all time, which is weird.

GOT HEEM! J-Hey just watches a pitch middle-in. Don’t like Arrieta having to throw a lot of pitches in relatively high-leverage situations, so a DP would be nice now. EXPLETIVE, EXPLETIVE, EXPLETIVE!!!!

If I had to judge from only his face – GAH, ANOTHER RUN! – I’d say Peralta was really overweight.

It’s weird to see Arrieta give up 2 runs. It really is. And now Yadi is awkwardly swinging his Axe Bat again and the announcers are stroking the heck out of him and just throw him a fastball he can’t catch up to and let’s get out of this inning. Okay, time to put in work.

These Matthew McConaughey Lincoln commercials are just awful. The cars seem really nice and stuff, but I refuse to believe this dude just dresses up in a tux to listen to jazz and play hold ’em with other dudes in tuxes. I mean, who are they catering to here? Do people from St. Louis even own tuxes that aren’t t-shirts?

You know what would be great?

Well, THAT! WOOOO, STARLIN!

Oh, Russell! Man, that was gonna go out, but how cool was that to see him turn on the jets around 2nd and just burn in on that dude in LF with the extra L in his name. And now Russell is out and I’m scared about that but it’s cool to have Javy to bring it but it’s bad that I don’t know what’s wrong but I like the idea of a JavyBomb but not at the expense of losing Russell to injury. I’m so conflicted!

So it’s cool that Arrieta is mad about striking out, though I’m sure that’s more a manifestation of the rough last half-inning.

OHAI, there’s that Viagra commercial again and the lady still has a football and bedroom eyes. Lady, I’m watching the game. And not the Monday Night Football game that won’t even start for another hour. I don’t care about anything you’re saying, I really don’t. I’d rather see you than Wooderson, but it’s closer than you might think.

I hear it’s hamstring tightness for Russell and that’s more promising than the hand/wrist problems I initially feared. And there’s 3 more strikeouts for JaKe Arrieta, who appears to be hitting his groove and what is going on with that Chobani commercial? Is some minor leaguer eating a cup of Greek yogurt in the dugout? Makes sense.

searches Cubs bars in Hawaii, gets random list of sports bars and gay bars, so yeah

UNINTELLIGIBLE YELLING!!!!!!! KRIS BRYANT!!!!!

RIZZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! SLUMPBUSTER!

I’m yelling and my daughter looks over at my wife and says, “You married that guy?”

And now I’m watching the replay and Starlin Castro’s reaction is so pricelessly beautiful and I rewind the game to Vine it and my Twitter is blowing up and I’ll probably have my account suspended but it’s more than worth it.

And Javy with a hit and a steal and let’s bust this open.

frantically tries to clip Castro Vine into still shot and looks up to see Heyward with a 2-run blast

Fear grips my heart as the invincible knight on the mound appears mortal. I am not happy, though my social media presence is growing, so that’s cool. But I’d gladly trade followers for Cubs runs. And now Arrieta is out and it’s time to make things happen. Time to pick up the man who’s carried the team on his back all season, boys. You ready for this?

Pours more beer, puts mac n’ cheese away, eats last piece of pork

Coghlan with a knock, which is nice. And Dex with a perfect bunt, but Maness made a really nice play to get him and I’m sorta disappointed but also respectful of the effort. And now that tweet of the Castro Vine has gotten almost as much love from Twitter as the one from last week in which I made fun of Sean Rodriguez.

GEORGIE SUNSHINE TAKES A FIRST-PITCH FASTBALL FROM WAINO AND DROPS IT OFF IN THE LEFT-CENTER BLEACHERS!

Dude just hung one and Soler did not miss it. Oh, the yelling in my home is constant. It is loud and I am a happy camper once more. Time for Strop to make his dead relatives proud.

Before he can do that, though, Trevor Cahill is out there straight dealing, making dudes look gross. And now Holliday is down and GUH! Javy! Man, he just flipped it over and made a bad throw and Rizzo couldn’t pick it and Jason Flippin’ Heyward is up and he’s a Cubs killer and I hate him, I hate him HE FLIED OUT TO WAR BEAR AND THE INNING ENDS!

The Perillo Tours commercial makes me want to go back to Italy. I spent a month there during my junior year of college and it was absolutely fantastic. We ate incredible food, drank house Chianti that would probably cost a ton back here, and I used my per diem to get my fraternity letters tattooed on my right ankle in a shop located in the alley behind our hotel in Florence.

Yes, I sat in a plastic chaise lounge while a women who spoke no English marked me up. It’s a tiny little piece and eventually led to 7 more over the years, but will forever remain my favorite story. When the ink was done, I think I drank the pain away in the Mexican bar across the alley. Pure class.

Now I’m seeing the replay of Ernie Banks singing the Stretch and I’m feeling a little melancholy as a result. Do other people cry over players they never actually saw play? Because I did. Heck, I still get a little verklempt when I think about Banks and Santo. But it’s pretty freaking cool to know that we could be witnessing another generation of greats establishing themselves.

This team is like those in ’69 or ’84, groups that spawned legendary names and larger-than-life characters. I named my son Ryne after falling in love with a superster Javy punches one into the hole and…it hits Castro? Oh man, that is not good form. I’m not going to get all gloom and doom, but you can’t let that happen. Castro timed it up all kinds of wrong there. I can’t blame him too much though, not after the big homer and the sweet lean.

Can’t abide putting a jersey on the Ernie Banks statue as though he isn’t already being depicted wearing a jersey. It’s silly and unnecessary and I want it to stop.

Now everybody, have you heard? At the end of the game, Pedro Strop’s the word. Strop me, Strop me! Strop! Strop!

And Rizzo with a perfect pick even Peter Piper envies to get the 2nd out and I think Viagra should screencap that play and use it in place of the lady with the football. Just sayin’. Having Twitter discussion about ED drugs is fun, man.

Just walked into the kitchen singing “Cubs could beat the Cardinals in the NLDS,” which is weird on more than one level. It was more of a chant, really, but you get the point. And now Cialis is getting in on the action, which is weird because…well, it’s weird. But I suppose Cubs fans could be in the mood and wanting to consummate things here soon, thereby making the pill somewhat desirable.

And now this I present the BFIB’s worst nightmare. Seriously though, I bet all the Cardinals fans are absolutely losing their you-know-what right now.

And now Dexter Fowler goes yard and I’m not even that hype because I thought it was just a little poke out to RF. Ah, who am I kidding? I’m still yelling and that turns to laughing because I know the fans in red are mad about wind-aided home runs and I know they’re going to dismiss some of the 6 (YES, SIX) home runs as such. Guess the wind died down in the first half of every inning.

Three outs from going up 2-1 with a game Tuesday at Wrigley and I’m amazed.

Jake Arrieta had a pretty poor game and the Cubs still won. They blasted 6 homers and hung 8 runs on the Cards and caused the TBS commentators to produce a narrative that had the Cubs juggernaut overwhelming their overmatched opponent. Did you hear that? The Cubs overpowered the Cardinals. Yes, this young team that wasn’t supposed to win 85 games is a win away from the NLCS.

And now I’m gonna have to make plans to watch Cubs baseball in Hawaii, which is perhaps the greatest thing I’ve ever typed. I’m a little scared about Jason Hammel taking the bump, but I’m going with it and he’s gonna be great. My little boy is here watching with me and GAH, PISCOTTY! Are you kidding?!

THERE IT IS! GAME OVER! 2-1 CUBS!

My little boy just ran up the stairs yelling and I’m smiling and happy and this is beautiful.